First Blog

Well, here is my first entry on this blog. I have never had a blog before in fact i've never read any blog. Why am i starting this thing? Maybe by writing down my feelings i'll feel not so alone. maybe just rambling will help me. who knows? i've been known to be funny, especially when i write, so perhaps that will come out at sometime and that will help, as laughter is the best medicine. well, everything other medicine i've taken for depression and anxiety, ocd, and binge eating disorder hasn't worked, so maybe comedy will?? maybe you will read my blog and maybe you will feel the same way? maybe i'm not the only one, but it sure feels like it. so what the heck am i talking about? i am a 41-year-old stay-at-home mom with 2 kids, one is 3 1/2 and one is 11 months. before them, i was an elementary school teacher. i am married to a wonderful guy. so why do i feel so alone with these three around? mental illness will do that to ya. anyway, i've suffered from depression, ocd, and binge eating disorder pretty much my entire life. i don't know what it means to be happy. there is always a dark cloud hovering, i'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. wow. what a happy person i am! i've, truly, been on every depression medication out there and i recently started my last one. well, my psychologist says that there isn't anything else out there for me to try. perhaps i am expecting too much? perhaps i think that i should feel a certain way, that i don't feel now, but that perhaps that doesn't exist? as you can see, i named the blog deana's brain. that's because i've got a lot of noise bouncing around in here and maybe it will dim some (not dim sum, har, har, har) if i get it out. now, if you've read all the way down to here, you are probably now confused, exausted, and/or depressed...welcome to my brain. i'll write more later, and perhaps it will be more coherent.