Monday afternoon

To quote Britney Spears...opps! I did it again. Yup. It's sunny with a chance of binging. Guess the stress of the day brought that storm on. What stress you ask? Not much. Daughter to school, husband to dr to have x-ray and staples removed from arm, on to post office, couple more errands and then back to get daughter from school. Husband had been trapped in car while i went to get daughter. you see, baby was in the back of the car and began to cry; husband's left arm is in the sling and he couldn't unbuckle his car seat and had a panic attack while baby was screaming. he calls me while i'm in the preschool office and i don't take the call because i am talking to office manager. when i do call, he doesn't answer; i try again. he tells me he had a panic attack. i hurry to get daughter and try to cut all conversations with director and teacher short to hurry to car. i feel very guilty for not getting back to husband right away. he is very sleepy on the way home and goes right in to sleep. i take out trash, get mail, kids, back pack, to-go food box, diaper bag, etc and find him inside just looking at e-mails on the phone. hmmm...couldn't have helped first? should i have asked him and/or told him to help with stuff? would i be less irritated? doesn't matter, now, it just all equals chocolate, eaten in seclusion, lest someone see me and want some (the kids) or see me and scold me (the husband). anyway to get off this treadmill? although i don't plan on shaving all of my hair off, like britney, i do understand the crazy things people do when they are so despondent. you feel like you have to do something drastic or else you will explode. for me, it is eating, torturous thoughts and ocd behaviors. as you can see, it is yet another happy blog from me.

Happy Binge Day!

Not a great day, as far as eating goes. My in-laws were here today and that always makes things tough for me. Not that they are horrible, but any little stress equals m & m's, or whatever else is around that i can binge on. Get in a disagreement with my husband...bam! There goes the stress level, there goes the sugar level. to say i've got trouble handling stress would be an understatement! (to say i've got trouble using capital letters would also be an understatement). my 3 year old goes back to preschool tomorrow, my husband has a doctor appointment (to check the surgery he had on his arm a week and a half ago). those things don't sound stressful, but they are. i had a lot of low moments today, not necessarily looking for pills to swallow, but certainly wishing i was a different person. i wish things didn't bother me so much. i wish i could take care of myself better. i wish i didn't hate myself so much. not a very uplifting blog, is it? well, i guess there isn't much more to say this evening. i will go to bed depressed, will wake up energetic in the morning, feeling like i can do anything, can eat right, can be positive and somewhere along the line, i'll take a wrong turn, and my day will spiral out of control, like the flushing of a toilet. you'll have to check in and see tomorrow if this is the case.

First Blog

Well, here is my first entry on this blog. I have never had a blog before in fact i've never read any blog. Why am i starting this thing? Maybe by writing down my feelings i'll feel not so alone. maybe just rambling will help me. who knows? i've been known to be funny, especially when i write, so perhaps that will come out at sometime and that will help, as laughter is the best medicine. well, everything other medicine i've taken for depression and anxiety, ocd, and binge eating disorder hasn't worked, so maybe comedy will?? maybe you will read my blog and maybe you will feel the same way? maybe i'm not the only one, but it sure feels like it. so what the heck am i talking about? i am a 41-year-old stay-at-home mom with 2 kids, one is 3 1/2 and one is 11 months. before them, i was an elementary school teacher. i am married to a wonderful guy. so why do i feel so alone with these three around? mental illness will do that to ya. anyway, i've suffered from depression, ocd, and binge eating disorder pretty much my entire life. i don't know what it means to be happy. there is always a dark cloud hovering, i'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. wow. what a happy person i am! i've, truly, been on every depression medication out there and i recently started my last one. well, my psychologist says that there isn't anything else out there for me to try. perhaps i am expecting too much? perhaps i think that i should feel a certain way, that i don't feel now, but that perhaps that doesn't exist? as you can see, i named the blog deana's brain. that's because i've got a lot of noise bouncing around in here and maybe it will dim some (not dim sum, har, har, har) if i get it out. now, if you've read all the way down to here, you are probably now confused, exausted, and/or depressed...welcome to my brain. i'll write more later, and perhaps it will be more coherent.